Why We Avoid Conflict (And Why It’s Actually About Intimacy)

I think we avoid conflicts for the main reason that they are unsettling. But I also think that a lot of the time, we are actually avoiding intimacy.

When we fight about something, there is usually something important underneath it. And when we are fighting about something important, there is a very good chance that we don’t remember to stay very logical or keep a check on our emotions. Even when you try to stay in control, there is a good chance that if someone poked you the wrong way, you would get more hurt than you would have imagined.

A lot of that comes down to our insecurities and our particular way of seeing things. You are far more likely to have an emotional reaction to something you are insecure about than something you are not.

And most of the time when that internal conflict becomes external, we don’t remember the part that our own insecurities have played in it.

That’s what we do when we imagine these scenarios in our heads, don’t we? We feel exposed and we feel that the person we are addressing might use it against us.

Say, I fight with someone because I think they are not giving me enough time. Now, the actual insecurity behind it is that I fear they might leave and I might be left alone.

When I think about this in my head, I fear that they might brush it off and say that they have just been busy or that I am thinking too much. The idea of that hurts because now they know something about me that really asked me to be vulnerable and they didn’t even give it a second thought. This invites the fear that I am just not important in their life.

Or they might agree and say, yes, I have been giving you less time and that’s because I feel distant from you.

This is the peak of your insecurities coming to life. Them slowly drifting away from you intentionally.

In a way, even if cleaner, this feels worse because you can explain away them being busy in your head. But this is straightforward. So even if you are sure you would prefer honesty, in that moment, you would have preferred anything else.

And all these thoughts just keep going on in your head with multiple scenarios, none of them the reality. But all of them feeding one insecurity or another.

Which is why I think we avoid conflict. Not because of the argument itself. But because conflict asks us to reveal something about ourselves.

That we are hurt.

That we are scared.

That we care more than we want to admit.

That we need reassurance.

That we are afraid of losing someone.

And once those things are out in the open, we cannot control how the other person responds. So yes, conflict is uncomfortable. But I think a lot of the time, what we are actually avoiding is intimacy.

More importantly, we are taking away the chance for the other person to reassure us and help us.

Most of the time, we are not reacting to what is happening. We are reacting to what we think it means. If you find yourself stuck in the same arguments, fears, or emotional patterns and can’t quite see why they keep repeating, this is exactly the kind of work I do. You can book a Loop Breaker Analysis or work with me 1:1 here:

If you wanna get in touch, please reach out to unpackwithmehak@gmail.com